Chris Voss - “Never Split The Difference”
The best book on negotiation I’ve ever read. I successfully used the techniques described in it many times, including during some pivotal moments in my life. It does change how you perceive dealing with other people. What follows is a working synopsis that I come back to every now and then.
Embrace regular thoughtful conflict.
- it’s the basis of effective communication, and life in general
- pushing hard for something you believe is not selfish
- uncover value; negotiation is ultimately cooperative
Insights.
- Compromise is worse than no deal
- “Yes” is nothing without “How”
- At least 3 Black Swans exist in every negotiation
- Deadlines are imaginary and arbitrary
Silence.
- At least 4 seconds.
- Listening is an art.
- Provide short responses to encourage the counterpart to keep going: “yes”, “okay”, “tell me more”, “keep going”.
- Make time your ally using deadlines. Remember: they are imaginary and arbitrary.
Calibrated (open-ended) questions.
- prefer “How” and “What”
- avoid questions with simple informational questions (who, when)
- avoid “Why”, it makes people defensive
Mirroring.
- repeat the last thing said as a question
Labelling.
- “It seems like you…”, “It sounds like…”
- amygdala (fear processing) avoids conflict naturally; ignore it in yourself and use it in the counterpart
- empathy is powerful
- the adversary is the situation, the person is a partner
- pushing hard is not unfair
- don’t avoid honest conflict
“Look, I’m an asshole.”
Accusation audit.
Embrace “No.”
- “Have you given up on this project?”
- “Is it a bad time to talk?”
- Get to “That’s right.” which lets them own the conclusion
- Get three “Yes.” to confirm it’s the real deal
- Say “No” without using the word
It’s not about you.
- Get the counterpart to come up with your solution as their own.
- Create a subtle epiphany to get to “That’s right”. Trigger it by summing up (paraphrasing with a label).
- The listener controls the conversation.
Anchoring emotions.
- without self-control you cannot expect to influence others
- direct others to spend intellectual energy to solve your problem
Extreme anchors.
- offers made too early give up leverage: pivot to terms
- Ackerman haggling model:
- start extremely low, at 65% to bend the counterpart’s reality
- perform three decreasing increments: 85% (+20), 95%, (+10) 100% (+5)
Black swans.
- Black swans = unknown unknowns that change the game
- they give a lot of leverage
- Leverage
- positive: ability to provide what the counterpart wants
- negative: threats, ties to loss aversion; audience, status, reputation. Nuclear bombs, never make direct threats and be very careful about subtle ones. Negative threats take away autonomy.
- normative: moral framework, looking for inconsistencies between actions and beliefs
- When the counterpart appears crazy
- not well informed
- constrained in a way they don’t want to share
- obeying unknown interests
- Finding black swans
- look for signs of “crazy”, it’s a good thing, not a bad thing
- you have to recognize and acknowledge the counterpart’s reality, you don’t have to agree with it
- get face time
- direct human interaction: 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through tone of voice, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc.)
- observe unguarded moments
Negotiation One-Sheet
- Customized tools to a particular negotiation
- You don’t rise to the occasion, you fall to your highest level of preparation
- No script: they are not agile enough
- The goal
- go for: best-case scenario
- high-end goal
- defined clearly, optimistic but reasonable
- also important, to have a winning mindset
- avoid: BATNA - worst-case scenario
- low-end goal
- warning: it tricks your mind to aim low; it’s easier to claim wins that way ("wimp-win mentality")
- go for: best-case scenario
- Summary
- why are you there
- what do you want
- what do they want and why
- known facts that lead to the negotation
- helps with tactical empathy
- you must have a summary that leads to the “That’s right”
- Labels and Accusation Audit
- a list of a few accusations they might make
- turn each into 3-5 labels
- “It’s seems like … is valuable to you”
- “It looks like … you don’t like …”
- “It feels like … you value …”
- “It seems like … you want …”
- a list of a few accusations they might make
- Calibrated questions
- you must accept the reality of the other people
- reveal value to you
- “What are we trying to accomplish?”
- “What’s the core issue here?”
- “How does that affect things?”
- “What’s the biggest challenge you face?”
- “How does this fit into what the objective is?”
- identify and overcome hidden actors
- “How does this affect the rest of the team?”
- “How on board are the people not on this call?”
- “What do your colleagues see as the main challenges in this area?”
- identify and overcome deal breakers (ask in groups of 2-3 at a time)
- “What are we up against here?”
- “What is the biggest challenge you face?”
- “What happens if you do nothing?"/"What does doing nothing cost you?”
- “How does making a deal with us affect things?”
- “How does making this deal resonate with what the company prides itself on?”
- use labels to follow up quickly
- getting buy-in
- “How does that/this fit?”
- “What makes you ask?”
- “How do we know your team is on board?”
- Non-cash items
- what could they give that would almost make us to do it for free?
- low cost for them, advances your interests considerably